please take me out of my body

i'm getting so bored of these four walls. i'm exhausted from doing nothing. today i fell asleep at four PM and woke up at 8PM...guess who's not sleeping tonight! haha. my first day of the new semester at FIT starts saturday, that's gonna take up practically my whole day. the freshman/ sophomore social is at night, i'm going with emma and dri....we're gonna be wearing sparkly spandex outfits and painting our faces...yessssss hahahaha. my other friends i can feel them getting confused and just a touch irritated with my friendship with emma and adrianna and people like that. this bothers me. my other friends haven't really been reaching out to me OR being very interactive with me....so i mean, it's only natural that i want to seek out other people to spend my time with if YOU'RE not gonna do anything with me. they're irritation is completely unjustified. 

i'm finding it hard to give a shit about anything ever. i went to the supermarket with tim the other day and bought some flowers. then when i got home i set the flowers on my desk and was gonna go put them in a vase. i just....didn't. they're still sitting there and waiting. i feel so guilty about them dying. i just wish i cared enough to do anything.

i feel so disconnected from music. the fact that i have no music on my macbook and i ost my earbuds is making it hard for me to really feel like it's a part of my life anymore. wow i can't believe i just said that. i just wish there was more music i liked. i don't like anything.

i'm going on saturday (during my hour long break at FIT) to LUSH to buy some more products. the fresh farmacy and eu roma toner that i've been using are just fabulous, just amazing. my pores have tightened astronomically and the redness around my nose is decreasing. my face IS a tad bit dryer but that's just because i'm using all this new product without balancing it with a good moisturizer. i'm basically satisfied :)

it's my dad's birthday tomorrow. i love him very much but i don't understand him. we have an inconsistent relationship. i've been working extra hard to be nice and polite to him.

i'm a perma-sleepy head. i'm gonna go wash my face and sleep.

goodnight new york

kimia 

the sands of time

"I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me"

yesterday i went to the city with my brother. it's nice hanging out with him cause he's so chill and there's absoultely no drama. i went to Lush and bought a cleanser and a toner, i've used them twice so far and i LOVE THEM. amazing, i'm poring (no pun intended heh) over their catalogue and website. next weekend is my first day of FIT for the fall season. hopefully during my hour break i can walk to Lush and buy more products. i never realized how truly terrible my skin is...redness around my nose, blackheads on and around my nose, pimples on my forehead and chin, huuuuuge pores on my nose....MEH. hopefully lush will transform me. cause really, i HAVE the porcelain skin, it just doesn't SEEM like that...since the pure whiteness of the color is covered up by bad skin.

i think i'm catching a cold. i've been freezing all weekend so that's not too hard to understand. meh.

i have to write two poems for english by tuesday. one has to be structured and one has to be a free write. OY. 

one last thing before i go- can i just mention how everything in my life seems to have the worst timing? seriously. it's like one thing leaves and IMMEDIATELY another thing replaces that, when i'm absolutely not ready to a) let go of the first thing and b) throw myself into another similar situation, especially after the one before it failed. it was like that last time and boy oh boy it did not work out to my advantage.

kimia

mixed feelings

"all because of you

i haven't slept in so long

and when i do i dream of drowning in the ocean

longing for the shore, 

where i can rest my head down

inside these arms of yours

all because of you, 

i believe in angels

not the kind with wings

no, not the kind with halos 

the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place

i'll follow your voice, 

all you have to do is shout it out

"

i can't sleep. my ipod is not supplying any solace for my tired heart. thinking about it does not make it better, but not thinking about it makes me feel weak. the feelings aren't there anymore but hey, i guess my trust isn't really either. and the death of my trust (9/08, RIP) must be mourned.

it's 1:30AM and i have school in a few hours. i like seeing my friends. it's like drinking a gallon of redbull. but then what happens when the friends leave? the short, jittery burst dies down and i'm even more exhausted than i was before.

i've been a lazy scumbag these past few weeks. i haven't DONE anything since i got back from india. i haven't read at all, save the occasional trashy magazine aimed at making me feel bad about myself. i haven't watched any of the films i planned to buy and see; i've barely listened to music. i just don't have the energy to become emotionally or mentally invested in ANYTHING. i'm extra tired lately.

i'm waiting for some big event to happen, one that i can base my future around. "OH, i'll get things started once this happens; i'll start taking care of shit when this goes down...any day now...". kinda like how procrastinators stall, saying they'll get started in five minutes, tomorrow, new years day? imagine that, but not even knowing WHEN you're gonna get your shit together; not having the faintest idea when you will be enlightened. 

this is an awful system. i just can't get started.

kimia

i guess i'll go home now

"keeping an eye on the world

from so many thousands of feet off the ground

i'm over you now 

i'm at home in the clouds

and towering over your head"

i think that when you are having a huge problem (read: HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM) with someone, there needs to be a period where each person floats away from the situation and views it from a larger perspective, soaking in all angles of it. bird's eye view. see things you wouldn't otherwise see from the ground.

i'm being vague

i'm avoiding talking about it

all i can say at this point is that i'm getting over it, getting over the shock and frustration. there are more important things in life, and i'm only realizing it AFTER i tried so hard to fix things. 

i hate admitting this, but it was the right thing to do

so what exactly happened, kimia?

okay so

i forgot about this blog....I LEFT IT TO DIE. 

how sad

india was the most amazing experience of my life

i hate being home

well

i missed my friends

so much shit has gone down

no sense in rehashing

daily blogging from now on?

let's test my reliability.