mixed feelings

"all because of you

i haven't slept in so long

and when i do i dream of drowning in the ocean

longing for the shore, 

where i can rest my head down

inside these arms of yours

all because of you, 

i believe in angels

not the kind with wings

no, not the kind with halos 

the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place

i'll follow your voice, 

all you have to do is shout it out

"

i can't sleep. my ipod is not supplying any solace for my tired heart. thinking about it does not make it better, but not thinking about it makes me feel weak. the feelings aren't there anymore but hey, i guess my trust isn't really either. and the death of my trust (9/08, RIP) must be mourned.

it's 1:30AM and i have school in a few hours. i like seeing my friends. it's like drinking a gallon of redbull. but then what happens when the friends leave? the short, jittery burst dies down and i'm even more exhausted than i was before.

i've been a lazy scumbag these past few weeks. i haven't DONE anything since i got back from india. i haven't read at all, save the occasional trashy magazine aimed at making me feel bad about myself. i haven't watched any of the films i planned to buy and see; i've barely listened to music. i just don't have the energy to become emotionally or mentally invested in ANYTHING. i'm extra tired lately.

i'm waiting for some big event to happen, one that i can base my future around. "OH, i'll get things started once this happens; i'll start taking care of shit when this goes down...any day now...". kinda like how procrastinators stall, saying they'll get started in five minutes, tomorrow, new years day? imagine that, but not even knowing WHEN you're gonna get your shit together; not having the faintest idea when you will be enlightened. 

this is an awful system. i just can't get started.

kimia