AHHHH YES WE DID

yes we can- yes we did!!!!!

okay so i haven't updated in ages, BUT BARACK OBAMA WAS JUST DECLARED THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!!!!

history was made tonight, and i can honestly say i am proud to be an american.

next election, i am 100% doing everything i can to be as involved as possible. it really means something that i could be a part of this historic, groundbreaking election. 

viva obama!!!! congrats to biden too.....wow what a night!!!! hooray for america! this country is gonna be okay again!  :)

I don't know who you are, but I dream about you every night

haven't updated in a long time. jessia took me off her quick links :(
there's no point in "updating" if nobody reads this, but oh well. i want some sort of record to look back on.

so basically i have been getting pretty interested in the upcoming election....yes it took me around two years to develop an interest in politics, but here it is. sparked by obama who is, to me, the perfect man. he is just so beautiful, poised, elegant, articulate, intelligent....sexy......hahahahahah. i like him a lot. my new hobby is researching his policies and contrasting them to mccain's and DEVELOPING MY OWN OPINIONS ON POLITICS. hooray.

i miss having someone. like a crush. it was the same guy for like three years (with a few others sprinkled in between the slow months) and now i don't have anyone. it's nice to have that jittery butterfly feeling and just get so happy when you see them and only a simple "hello" can completely make your day.

tomorrow is homecoming. i really want to go to the football game...more so than i want to go to the actual dance. i've never been a dance person. i don't really like huge group activities. like just today i passed up an offer to go to the movies with like ten of my friends. i just wasn't in the mood. the rest of them don't get it and they become annoyed at my apathy towards keeping up a healthy social life... which is ironic considering i probably have more friends than they do anyway, in more diverse groups. but that doesn't mean i want to always be surrounded by them. 

i need space, lots of it.

i need to sleep because FIT is tomorrow.

i need to buy film and take pictures because ms brady really can't stand the sight of me... ultimate photo slacker right here. it doesn't help that i waltz into her class every day at least five minutes late with a cup of tea in hand. 

i need a dress for homecoming.

i need motivation, but then again, i've been on short supply of that since sixth grade.

kimia

how it's been going lately

well i've been out walking

i don't do that much talking these days

these days-

these days i seem to think a lot

about the things that i forgot to do

for you

and all the times i had the chance to

and i had a lover

it's so hard to risk another these days

these days-

now if i seem to be afraid

to live the life i've made in song

well it's just that i've been losing so long

i'll keep on moving

things are bound to keep improving these days

these days-

these days i sit on corner stones

and count the times in quarter tones to ten, my friend

don't confront me with my failures

i had not forgotten them

thoughts, part 3

stupid stupid itunes and ipod and mac for not all working together in harmony

there is truly nothing like german chocolate

i feel bad for having damned the entire freshman grade, some are actually cool

instead of piling on eyeshadow and lipgloss, every girl should invest in a good blush

i finally decided to look through my India pictures, nope, couldn't do it, started crying almost instantly

i'm against smoking. and drinking. no really, i am. i don't see why people insist on talking to me about these things

no clue what to be for halloween...superheroes?

FIT is so hard and time consuming, but just so satisfying

i wonder how many people still read this blog

i want to grow my hair down to the small of my back

and then cut it all off

i feel empty when i don't have a "somebody" in my life

los angeles, only 51 days until you are back in my arms

i absolutely adore lush cosmetics. if i had to give a gift to a complete stranger without knowing a thing about them, it would be Honey I Washed the Kids soap. amazing stuff.

i'm making a list of books to read for fall. this excites me more than you can imagine

macbooks are wonderful

please take me out of my body

i'm getting so bored of these four walls. i'm exhausted from doing nothing. today i fell asleep at four PM and woke up at 8PM...guess who's not sleeping tonight! haha. my first day of the new semester at FIT starts saturday, that's gonna take up practically my whole day. the freshman/ sophomore social is at night, i'm going with emma and dri....we're gonna be wearing sparkly spandex outfits and painting our faces...yessssss hahahaha. my other friends i can feel them getting confused and just a touch irritated with my friendship with emma and adrianna and people like that. this bothers me. my other friends haven't really been reaching out to me OR being very interactive with me....so i mean, it's only natural that i want to seek out other people to spend my time with if YOU'RE not gonna do anything with me. they're irritation is completely unjustified. 

i'm finding it hard to give a shit about anything ever. i went to the supermarket with tim the other day and bought some flowers. then when i got home i set the flowers on my desk and was gonna go put them in a vase. i just....didn't. they're still sitting there and waiting. i feel so guilty about them dying. i just wish i cared enough to do anything.

i feel so disconnected from music. the fact that i have no music on my macbook and i ost my earbuds is making it hard for me to really feel like it's a part of my life anymore. wow i can't believe i just said that. i just wish there was more music i liked. i don't like anything.

i'm going on saturday (during my hour long break at FIT) to LUSH to buy some more products. the fresh farmacy and eu roma toner that i've been using are just fabulous, just amazing. my pores have tightened astronomically and the redness around my nose is decreasing. my face IS a tad bit dryer but that's just because i'm using all this new product without balancing it with a good moisturizer. i'm basically satisfied :)

it's my dad's birthday tomorrow. i love him very much but i don't understand him. we have an inconsistent relationship. i've been working extra hard to be nice and polite to him.

i'm a perma-sleepy head. i'm gonna go wash my face and sleep.

goodnight new york

kimia 

the sands of time

"I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me"

yesterday i went to the city with my brother. it's nice hanging out with him cause he's so chill and there's absoultely no drama. i went to Lush and bought a cleanser and a toner, i've used them twice so far and i LOVE THEM. amazing, i'm poring (no pun intended heh) over their catalogue and website. next weekend is my first day of FIT for the fall season. hopefully during my hour break i can walk to Lush and buy more products. i never realized how truly terrible my skin is...redness around my nose, blackheads on and around my nose, pimples on my forehead and chin, huuuuuge pores on my nose....MEH. hopefully lush will transform me. cause really, i HAVE the porcelain skin, it just doesn't SEEM like that...since the pure whiteness of the color is covered up by bad skin.

i think i'm catching a cold. i've been freezing all weekend so that's not too hard to understand. meh.

i have to write two poems for english by tuesday. one has to be structured and one has to be a free write. OY. 

one last thing before i go- can i just mention how everything in my life seems to have the worst timing? seriously. it's like one thing leaves and IMMEDIATELY another thing replaces that, when i'm absolutely not ready to a) let go of the first thing and b) throw myself into another similar situation, especially after the one before it failed. it was like that last time and boy oh boy it did not work out to my advantage.

kimia

mixed feelings

"all because of you

i haven't slept in so long

and when i do i dream of drowning in the ocean

longing for the shore, 

where i can rest my head down

inside these arms of yours

all because of you, 

i believe in angels

not the kind with wings

no, not the kind with halos 

the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place

i'll follow your voice, 

all you have to do is shout it out

"

i can't sleep. my ipod is not supplying any solace for my tired heart. thinking about it does not make it better, but not thinking about it makes me feel weak. the feelings aren't there anymore but hey, i guess my trust isn't really either. and the death of my trust (9/08, RIP) must be mourned.

it's 1:30AM and i have school in a few hours. i like seeing my friends. it's like drinking a gallon of redbull. but then what happens when the friends leave? the short, jittery burst dies down and i'm even more exhausted than i was before.

i've been a lazy scumbag these past few weeks. i haven't DONE anything since i got back from india. i haven't read at all, save the occasional trashy magazine aimed at making me feel bad about myself. i haven't watched any of the films i planned to buy and see; i've barely listened to music. i just don't have the energy to become emotionally or mentally invested in ANYTHING. i'm extra tired lately.

i'm waiting for some big event to happen, one that i can base my future around. "OH, i'll get things started once this happens; i'll start taking care of shit when this goes down...any day now...". kinda like how procrastinators stall, saying they'll get started in five minutes, tomorrow, new years day? imagine that, but not even knowing WHEN you're gonna get your shit together; not having the faintest idea when you will be enlightened. 

this is an awful system. i just can't get started.

kimia

i guess i'll go home now

"keeping an eye on the world

from so many thousands of feet off the ground

i'm over you now 

i'm at home in the clouds

and towering over your head"

i think that when you are having a huge problem (read: HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM) with someone, there needs to be a period where each person floats away from the situation and views it from a larger perspective, soaking in all angles of it. bird's eye view. see things you wouldn't otherwise see from the ground.

i'm being vague

i'm avoiding talking about it

all i can say at this point is that i'm getting over it, getting over the shock and frustration. there are more important things in life, and i'm only realizing it AFTER i tried so hard to fix things. 

i hate admitting this, but it was the right thing to do

so what exactly happened, kimia?

okay so

i forgot about this blog....I LEFT IT TO DIE. 

how sad

india was the most amazing experience of my life

i hate being home

well

i missed my friends

so much shit has gone down

no sense in rehashing

daily blogging from now on?

let's test my reliability.

fire starter flower power lalala

[HEY MAKE SURE YOU READ THE TWO ENTRIES I JUST POSTED UNDER THIS ONE BEFORE YOU READ THIS. vvvv]

Wednesday, August 06, 2008
6:26PM

The people here are so nice. I am literally treated like a princess. And they love me. They call me “Kimchi” and “Kimia-ji”. One of the helpers wakes me up every morning. When I get to the eating area my breakfast arrives within a few minutes, and they never hesitate to refill my teacup…once…twice…three times… my abnormal tea consumption has become a joke around the house hahaha. After breakfast I have a simply lovely man drive me to the clinic. Everyday, as I get out of the car (the door is opened for me of course haha), a little woman who has a tiny flower stand near the clinic hands me two yellow roses….just because I smile at her everyday. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE SO KIND?!?!?!?!?! They don’t know me! I could be a child rapist or like an ARSONIST or something. Who gives pyromaniacs flowers?!

And don’t even get me started on the women at the clinic. The doctors that do my treatment (nine or so, I will count them all tomorrow) are absolutely amazing….Such kindness combined with a desire to help, it leaves me completely in awe. I hope I can subconsciously pick up India’s ways of humanity.

But honestly, I’m just grateful to be surrounded by mood-lifting people all the time. My un-american diet, coupled with the whole treatment process has left me a cranky, irritable mess. When expressing these feelings with my doctors, (leaving out the part about how I rarely eat a full meal due to my distaste for their country’s food haha), they get very giddy and excited. Apparently it goes like this: the first week or so after treatment starts, the herbs and medicine starts eliminating toxins (already!). Due to toxins being moved around and out of your body (purging yikes), everything resurfaces, including memories and emotions and whatnot. So basically it’s not just a physical experience but a frightening mental one too. I’m starting to feel all lonely, like I used to always feel, even though I don’t actually feel any of the emotions or thoughts that GO with loneliness. It’s just my body getting it out of its system.

This is crazy. Okay. So basically I was, for the past three years, the BIGGEST skeptic of ayurveda and natural healing…my excuse: “if it’s so great, then why isn’t EVERYBODY doing it?”. Well. As a stubborn know-it-all who does not want to admit she was wrong, I was wrong. This is working, I can feel it working, I can feel my eyesight changing and my body slimming and my general disposition maturing. I think I am feeling an allover sense of growth.


Speaking of growth….. MY BOOBS HAVE GOTTEN NOTICEABLY BIGGER!!!!!


No, I’m serious. It’s weird and awesome.

Anyway, today I managed to break my ipod charger AND turn off the whole house’s electricity, all at once.


…

My mom came Sunday night because she has some business to attend to in another city with Dr. Naram and co. She brought me some stuff I had left at home, plus a whole lot of fashion magazines to get inspiration for Amit’s teachings. Did I mention I love fashion? Flipping through harper’s and vogue and French vogue (it was like 2AM and I kept forgetting it was in French and I tried to read it and I would be like wtf :( and massive headaches would ensue) makes my heart swell up and I feel like a little puppy getting scratched behind it’s ears. I’m going to be a designer if it means I have to spend the first few years of my adulthood poor and starving. The way I see it, it’s like this: if I have money, I buy clothes. If I have leftover money, I buy food.

Ahhh but I digress…everything in India is pretty much the same. Things have calmed down every since Dr. Naram left, but thankfully he’ll be back Saturday.

One of these days I’m getting my nose pierced..…kinda freaked out. OH SHIT. DID I MENTION MY MOM IS ALLOWING IT?!?!?!? Well Dr. Naram and I were gonna go ahead with it anyway, we had the whole thing planned, but then my mom was like: *big sigh* “…alright. You can do it. Hrmph.”

Hahaha. I acted as though I had been waiting for her permission. She doesn’t realize that I was going to get it done with or without her consent, once she left. Oh well! At least I can avoid that inevitable fight once I come home.

kimia

p.s. I would die without Amit’s company since he is the only one I can speak uninhibited English with, Vinay is my new best friend and Krishna is my little brother.

sitting and waiting

Sunday, August 03, 2008
9:46 AM

Helloooo

I’m sitting in front of the panchkarma room, waiting for my turn. I got here a little late because I had to wait for Krishna to finish harassing his cousin (he was interpreting monkey noises, it was more amusing than it sounds haha).

I have to find a way to get internet here…there was a woman (I forgot who) who told me that if I brought my laptop she would help me connect to the clinic’s wireless connection…hahaha tech support much? I love Indian people.

Actually wait…

I don’t think I’m gonna post these blogs just yet. My dad accidently packed the wrong card reader for me, making it impossible for me to upload all the pictures I have been taking so far. And I want to sprinkle and pepper my entries with relevant photos, but I don’t want to go back and do it.

So I called my mom (who is going to come here tonight at around ten, she has some business to attend to here) and told her to bring me the RIGHT card reader. So don’t worry, I’ll have these blogs up soon enough, I KNOW YOU ARE WORRYING RIGHT NOW ALANNA. Hahaha.

Speaking of alanna, MEJIOSJFLJADIJ I miss my friends. FOR EXAMPLE I haven’t seen jessia since like july 2nd (it’s august 3rd now…:( ) and I am DYING. This is such a tragedy. Hey alanna, if you’re reading this, which I know you are, give this link to our friends, I want them to know I’m still alive (just without internet access/phone access/the will to write letters)

Damn. It’s 10:06 right now and I’m still waiting. I want my massagesssssssss!

I totally adore all the doctors here, they are simply amazing. So sincerely kind and helpful. The thing about Indian people is that everything they do, they do it from the heart. Everything comes from the desire to help others. There is no such thing as “personal gain”…. Because everything you gain here, you obtain with the help of others. So it all evens out. It’s such a change from the “me me me meme memememememe” belief system of New York/America in general. I really feel like India has it figured out. Oh U.S. of A, one day you will see.

Continued
12:47PM

Okay. So my magical plan of obtaining internet on my laptop failed. GRHDJAHDKJF. I did get to use the internet, on the computer downstairs in the dungeon-y basement. But I couldn’t update my blog or anything since the entries are on HERE. Meep. Not to worry. I will try and find that woman who promised me internet. Or I could just mooch off amit…I will find a way!

But now I’m sitting in the peaceful “cafeteria” area. The light comes in through the “windows” (there are no windows, just lack of walls ahaha) in such a nice way and everything is hushed. The only sounds come from small conversation of the people sitting at the tables, the chefs in the back, the cars on the road, and the excessive amount of birds fluttering in the trees.



Sadly, panchkarma (okay, this word is bothering me. I have seen it spelled two ways now- “panchakarma” and “panchkarma”. Which is it?!) food is very lacking in taste, so the food offered to me in the cafeteria (listed in the very back of the menu. Everything else they serve here sounds really good :( ) is not something I tend to order. So here I am, sipping my pomegranate juice, flipping through the first few pages of the menu. I think, at this point, I would give up my firstborn child if it meant I could have paneer and sabzi right now.

I guess, since I have time right now (my driver is MIA), I should give a little back story. I’m in India right now doing panchakarma. Panchkarma, however you want to spell it, is a type of treatment thing. Lots of strange procedures go on and gah I have no idea how to explain this. Basically I sit on a bed and undergo ayurvedic healing stuff. The first thing they do is give me a scalp massage. Did I mention I’m naked? Well I get to keep my underwear on haha. Totally awesome. The first day I was like :( but now I don’t give it a second thought (except the fleeting “I’m coooooold”). After the scalp massage, in which they pretty much get all of this liquefied medicine seeped into my head, they do this freaky deaky thing. basically it consists of my left boob, a long piece of dough connected to make a circle, a sponge, a towel, and some liquid medicine. Yeah. It’s actually really relaxing, but kind of weird for an outsider to comprehend I suppose. It’s going to help my heart and circulation; my circulation right now is :( :( :( . I constantly have purple feet.

After that, they basically give me an allover body massage. But not like a hippie-dippy-korean-spa-your-mom-just-bought-a-massage-table-let’s-take-our-clothes-off-and-pretend-we-know-what-we’re-doing massage. These women are legit doctors (or “vaidyas”, the Hindi word for it). After that, I get more massages with different mediums. One thing is a thick paste that smells like banana ice cream and looks like vomit. No it’s cool, really. There’s a few more things they do but it would be so hard for me to explain it in text, so ask me in real life and I can assure you I will give you a very lengthy and detailed explanation, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions.

So that’s panchakarma in a nutshell (I didn’t even scratch the surface, seriouslyyyy.)

And my driver is still not here. And it’s 1:07PM. Dammit . I didn’t bring Eclipse today because my laptop made my bag heavy enough without the addition of a five hundred page book.

I’m gonna go practice my henna and drink pumpkin juice.


Edit: pumpkin juice is disgusting. Who decided to sell this? Say what you wanna say, students of Hogwarts, but this stuff tastes like spit.

oh hi

Saturday, August 02, 2008
12:02PM

Okay.

So technically I’m cheating.

I don’t have internet access at the Naram residence, so I’m typing this up on Word on my laptop and I will import it to my blog the second I have le internet. Word makes all of my I’s and proper nouns capitalized, which is annoying. I might go back and change that.

So anyway…This is kind of a long overdue blog post, since I’ve been in India (there we go again with the capitalizing! Preposterous. How inartistic) for nearly a week now and HOLY CRAP so much exciting stuff has gone down.

But the problem is now where to start…haha.

Actually before I go on, I realllllly need to take a shower and wash the oil out of my hair. I have to keep it in for at least four hours, but it’s been chilling on my head for like….nine. eechuargh. Brbrbrb loooool.

Ugh. Before I could go anywhere, Premsing, one of the cooks in the house, brings forth evil. In the shape of a drink. Every night I have to drink ghee, a liquefied buttery concoction that makes vomit taste like a high class delicacy. It’s so awful. I was telling Amit, the designer that I am interning with, about the ghee and he was absolutely floored when I told him I had to have about nine teaspoons of it. Basically it…er…”lubricates” my body and is going to make taking virechan on Wednesday and easier task.

So the easiest thing for me to do now is to type up a simple schedule of a normal day for me in Mumbai.

7AM: woken up by one of the housekeepers. She is holding ghee in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
7:01: grumble and pull myself out of bed. Frown at housekeeper. She laughs at me. I laugh too, in spite of myself.
7:03: the ghee is downed. My stomach will never forgive me. The housekeeper leaves and I fall back asleep.
8AM: woken up once more. The thing is, this is different every day for HOW I wake up. Some days I don’t fall asleep after taking the ghee and just sit and read til 8. Some days I am awoken by music from Dr. Smita’s dance class in the dance studio next to my bedroom. Some days my biological clock totally rules and wakes me up right on time. And if it’s like 8:20 and I’m still not up, a concerned/alarmed housekeeper knocks on my door til I make a sound of acknowledgment. Usually a “mrhrbnjfsakfa” or a loud sigh will do.
8:05: get dressed. Root around my suitcases for suitable clothing that won’t get me any more creepy attention than I already receive. The women in india are very conservative, and I tend to stand out. I blame my American upbringing.
8:08: try to detangle my necklaces. Ponder the difference between the words “detangle” and “untangle”.
8:09: become pissed off at my necklaces. “I don’t need you, YOU ARE JUST ACCESSORIES.”
8:15: succeed at untangling necklaces. Feeling of triumph washes over me.
8:16: brush teeth, wash face, put on eyeliner etc. Boring stuff to make sure I look decent.
8:30: walk upstairs (my room is on the lowest floor) to the eating place. Big smiles and “good morning”s are exchanged. Genuinely. I love these people.
8:34: breakfast is served. I eat alone, but I’m not alone. There’s about five or so housekeepers flying around, going about their business. Two or three cooks, two women doing chores (? Not sure what), and some men poking around in the backyard. Sometimes Krishna is eating too and we do origami together…I’m serious. It’s really fun. ahaha.
8:34 and 12 seconds: look down sadly at my breakfast. Panchkarma food. Sigh. I want cocoa puffs, but instead I get rice balls sprinkled with tiny seeds that taste like dead people. I get super happy when they give me this sort of flat pancake item (will post pictures… some day) because I get to eat it with a type of jelly thing. Reminds me of the days where I used to be happy to eat. DAMN YOU PANCHKARMA.
8:44: finish eating (may or may not have actually finished food…eurgh). Sip tea. Tea is good.
8:55: gather bag, put on shoes, wait on sofa for driver.
8:56: get in car with driver (who is like one of the sweetest men ever. Actually I could say that about every one of Dr. Naram’s helpers/assistants/housekeepers/workers. Amazing people. So genuine, so kind.

The times now are estimates, since I’m pretty much without any sort of time telling device (it becomes a hassle to pull my cell phone out of my huge bag so I let it sit on the bottom, allowing it to get gently crushed.)

9:25: arrive at clinic. Try to avoid eye contact with men. Honestly, you’d think I was a princess with the amount of male attention I get. It’s overwhelming.
9:35: get pulled into the panchkarma room; get shown to a cubicle type of thing. Sit on bed, get naked.
9:40: treatment starts.
12:30 (?): treatment ends. I go to take a shower. Am saddened by the fact that I am not allowed to wash my hair. Become self conscious over having to walk around with oily hair. Oily, literally.
12:50: get dressed and walk downstairs to meet with Dr. Mehti. Discus momentarily how treatment is going. Smile a lot at people I don’t know. Find myself being completely happy for reasons I don’t know. Get a fleeting emotion of deep sadness at the thought of returning to New York. Push thought out of mind and walk down to meet my driver.
1:25: meet driver, walk out of clinic to car. Get driven to Amit Singh.
2:35: arrive at A.D Singh. Marvel over store, even though I’ve been there like five times already. Play with Swarovski crystals on dresses. Pretend to be Indian and imagine myself in one of the dresses.
2:40: sit down with Amit, discuss life and stuff. We tend to get off topic realllly easily.
2:45: try to focus on sketching. Amit plays PSP. We listen to Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and U2.
3:15: Amit looks up momentarily from macbook. “have you finished your sketches yet, Kimia?” “uhhhhhhhhhh…sorry I was distracted…by uh….your lovely store?”.
4PM: more talks about life. And fashion. We like to talk about fashion.
4:30: driver comes and picks me up. I go to wherever I am set to go. Every night is different. Tonight I went for a shooting of Dr. Naram’s TV show. Pretty cool. It was really low key and chill and I hung out with Vinay (who I totally adore) for most of the time.

As soon as I get home, the rest of my night is boring. Eat, drink ghee, shower for the second time that day, read/listen to music/watch TV with Krishna/talk with Vinay/etc. Sleep.


Now that I’ve got the daily stuff out of the way and I’ve fleshed out an idea of how everything’s been going, the entries are gonna get more interesting. I promise. Because, really, there is so much to talk about, so many things I’ve never done before. Also, I will go into more detail over what I’m actually doing…questions you might be asking yourself: who is Amit Singh? What is “panchkarma”? What is “virechan”? OMG DOES KIMIA HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM, IS SHE IN REHAB OMGZ?!?! WAIT….Who is Dr. Naram and why is she in India staying with him in the first place???

All in due time!

I’m tired, I still haven’t taken the aforementioned shower, and this is already three pages long according to Word. Goodnight.

P.s. no drug problem, sorry to disappoint.

inevitable

"you,
you're like the sun
and i am earth.
together we're one
but someday
your fire will die
and i'll grow cold
without sunlight.
and i will freeze
i would die,
i'll freeze, i'll die for you."

pact

Rosie: When you die, I'm gonna die.
Jack: What on earth are you talking about?
Rosie: I am. When you go, I'm going.
Jack: ...If you die, there's no point to my life.
Rosie: Tough luck.

thoughts, part 2

need to see the dark knight. gahhhhh.
three fashion illustrations due monday
gotta pack for india...only ten days away o_o
warped tour next saturday!
going with alanna, gonna meet up with her friends brian, kate, and sean
ice skating tonight, gonna wear my ridiculous spandex dress haha
so tired, but finding it easier to wake up at a normal time, due to my 10AM wake up call for FIT
lost three lbs the past two weeks due to walking forty blocks a day...nice
school is soon. not sure how i feel about this just yet.

i am trying to break your heart

it's just me and my dad at home right now.

my brother's still living in the city and my mom is away on business. the house is so still. this morning my cleaning lady came while i was still in bed. i awoke to the sound of movement and it was so foreign.

i promised myself i wouldn't use this blog to talk about my "inner" feelings, AKA emo bullshit. damn my weak willpower!

i miss everyone. i miss my mom, i miss my brother, i miss my best friend, i miss my boyfriend, i miss basically all of my friends. but not just that, oh no. i miss CONCEPTS. i miss how people used to be, especially a certain person. i miss having that, as much as there is resentment and hostility present, i wish it could just go back to normal. i don't see myself as ever initiating it, nor do i really want to deal with the drama anymore. but still. the longing is always gonna be there.

i miss jessia the most.

all this negative talk is really not depicting the right image of me. i mean, sure, i fucking feel so alone right now haha, but there's lots of things i'm enjoying. this weather is so perfect and the smell of the city is so life affirming. my class is the perfect mix of fun and challenging and the girls are great. i'm spending time with some really good people...just sometimes i feel like they're not the RIGHT people. dang it.

kimia

p.s. my dad got a new camera, the D3! (i know.) needless to say, i am exploiting the brilliance of this camera.

the best

fun stuff going on.

FIT is OMG amazing. i love it so much, i was telling johnny today how i wouldn't mind sleeping in the elevator and just never going home ever. my class is really interesting, somewhat challenging..."fashion art", something i've never done before, but i'm doing it to get better (see the logic in that?) haha.

the girls are so stylish and pretty. but i meant that not in their FACES but in their total image...their hair, makeup and clothes are all well thought out and you can easily tell that there is a huge love of fashion going on. i kind of fit in, which is nice...these are my people i guess. i mean i love chappaqua and i have grown to adore pretty much everyone (yes, everyone. i think that once you get past the social hierarchy, you can get to know some pretty awesome people) but they just aren't really like me. now i am meeting girls (and boys!) who have like-minded ideas and thoughts and choose to adorn themselves in similar ways (not saying everybody looks the same, just that everybody puts the same effort into how they represent themselves.) it's such a new environment... i love it.

last night i slept over at alanna's. i got to her house at 9PM and decided we definitely needed to make cupcakes. naturally there is no cupcake mix in the house. 10PM trip to the a&p? hahaha but of course. eating icing and listening to the Sounds and the yeah yeah yeahs...sigh i wish i lived in a bakery....or a chocolate factory...ironic since we watched that movie (the remake with j.depp) right after haha. he is so fabulous, that man can do no wrong. that whole burton-depp-helena-elfman clique is hilarious, although i must say, they work together perfectly.

it felt like old times last night, before any of that.....drama (not giving any names) occured...needless to say drama can tear people apart, especially teenage girls. our insistence on "she said this, she did that" can really skew truth and warp what REALLY happened into what WOULD have happened- had we lived in a soap opera. one day we will be able to make the distinction between truth and pure bullshit.

anyway. it felt like old times back when my friendship with alanna was pure fun and not a strained experience. alanna herself NEVER did anything wrong, but there are other people out there who had contributed to the forced nature of our friendship...thank god it's back to normal.

today i hung out with my brother in the city. brother sister bonding time, say whatttt. it was fun. i bought a ridiculous spandex dress and got lost on the west side. i miss timmy, it's weird not having him live across the hall.

goodnight new york.

kimia

p.s. WARPED TOUR TICKET CAME IN THE MAIL TODAYYYYY

thoughts

always tired

first day of FIT on monday

india in 22 days

blue eyeliner is significantly more flattering than black eyeliner

thinking about the harry potter universe and getting incredibly nostalgic

lying in bed watching dvds

missing johnny and jessia ....and pudge

acoustic bayside is omg amazing

wondering why i don't play rockband anymore...hmmm

oh yeah. remembering why i don't play rockband anymore

falling asleep at 3AM and waking up at 2PM is not as glamorous as it sounds..at all

rereading hairstyles of the damned over and over again

missing school, missing seeing everybody all at once under one roof

the flowerboxes in my windows are finally inhabited by purple pink and red flowers

my diet consists of snapple, veggie bites,

burritos, and egg and hash sandwiches from rocky's...

i suck at eating healthy when my mom isn't home haha

do you ever get that feeling....where you're spending everyday with people and you just feel crowded and you crave space? and you end up feeling incredibly lonely, even though your friends are literally in the same room as you? weird. i hope going to india and being away from everybody for four weeks will change that

hahahaha

holy shit i haven't used blogspot since eighth grade

oh god



india in 27 days.